epically fluctuating cognitive dissonance

May 29

some shit that I’ve had on my mind

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing in life. In order to find out my true goal in life, I remember being asked to list down the 5 most important things in life to me and cross them out until I hit number one. I had the hardest fucking time figuring out what to write because I have no idea what the fuck is important in life to me. I wrote down some bullshit along the lines of “finally be happy.” Some generic cliched bullshit, “be happy” what the fuck does that even mean? I dont remember actually being happy, whatever recollections I chose to fall back on as when I was happy are probably so insignificant that I might as well just drive my car into oncoming traffic.
People have always told me that I was smart or destined to succeed because of how intelligent I was. I used to be that smart, I guess, I used to be a good student, gettings As, reading books, doing extra curricula’s. Unfortunately, being labeled as smart for so long has lead to me actually thinking I’m smarter than I actually am and thus has made me into a lazy mother fucking dumbass who has become so complacent in skating by in my academics with mediocrity that any chance of success in my future is probably null.
I’ve had many chances to succeed, yet my sheer amount of stupidity turned easy success into hard failures.
I’ve never known what I wanted to do with my life, NEVER. I take bullshit classes at my community college under the self-imposed ruse that I want to transfer out to study Computer Engineering, but I already know myself that that’s just a bullshit I tell myself so I don’t feel lost.
I’m fucking 19, and I haven’t accomplished shit in life, and with the way things are going, probably never will. Seriously, I if I had the chance to meet my 8 year old self, I’d probably avoid it at the fear that I’d be a great disappointment and how many excused I would have to explain as to why I never became the successful and smart boy I always thought I’d be.
I have some shitty fucking friends. My “bestfriends” have blown off hanging out with me for some of the dumbest fucking reasons. Oh, I’m sorry, next time I decide that I want to spend 2 hours to drive down to SJ and nearly 60 dollars of gas to visit once every couple months, I’ll fucking make sure I do it when you’re not too busy with people you see everyday or you’re not doing a mundane activity somewhere you live 5 minutes away from.
Everyday, it becomes more apparent to me that people who were once my closest friends are now just friends and sooner or later, they’ll just be people I used to know. It seems like I value my friendships with them more than they do with me. Fucking bastards.
I don’t know where the fuck I fit in anymore, I don’t feel like I belong up here in EG, yet back in SJ I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.
Sometimes, actually, a lot of the times, I do things in hopes to better improve myself not so I can actually improve myself, but I do it in spite of other people. Unfortunately, this never works out for a series of reasons. 1) Those people I’m trying to get back at with my success are probably too busy actually being successful to give a shit about me. 2) I can never actually stay committed enough to succeed to spite those other people and 3) I’m doing self-improvement and seeking success for the wrong reasons so I’m instantly a failure.
It’s been nearly 4 years since I moved out to EG, and it’s still as shitty as it was form Day 1. Most of it is probably because I’m a whiny bitch who doesn’t want to adapt or has adapted wrong, but most of it is probably because Elk Grove and most of the people in it fucking suck. Seriously, fuck Elk Grove.
I like to bitch about my problems and depressions of life, yet most of them are self inflicted wounds of stupidity. Seriously, I must be some sort of fucking masochist with the spree of fuck ups I’ve inflicted upon myself. And honestly, people have gone through worst and came out on top, but for some reason, I can’t.
In a couple months, or maybe even a year, I’m going to look back on this post and think one of two things, 1) ”wow, I’m glad i’m not that that whiny bitch anymore and actually got my head out of my ass” or 2) “wow, I’m still the same failure and now I can’t see shit with my head so far up my own ass.”

May 24

dustinn:

HAHAHHAHAH

Reddit would LOVE this.

(Source: gnjjj)

May 23

Summer goal

May 21

Did you guys know that smoking marijuana ruins your life?

Last night, I got really high with my friends, went home, ate ice cream and watched netflix until I fell asleep for 10 hours and woke up completely refreshed.

LIFE RUINED.